


Noun - Phobophobia: The Fear of Fear

by koalaboy



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: Arkham (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Human Experimentation, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Medical Experimentation, Needles, Religious Guilt, Self-Destruction, Transphobia, and in chronic pain, jonathan is jewish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 07:40:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13654497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koalaboy/pseuds/koalaboy
Summary: Jonathan endeavors to keep his self-experimentation under wraps and puts a strain on his and Edward's relationship when Edward walks in to discover chaos in their own apartment.I wrote this fic for my lovely brother Conn using our own headcanons for these two. Enjoy!





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [giddyseizures](https://archiveofourown.org/users/giddyseizures/gifts).



Edward knows something is wrong the second he calls Jonathan's name and hears nothing but silence in return. He frowns and closes the apartment door behind him, creeping forward. He calls out again, scanning the main living room for any clues as to what had happened. His heart beats hard in his chest.

There's a grunt, a clang, and then a groan, and Edward drops the groceries in his arms to the floor and runs in the direction of the noises.

"Jonathan?! Christ!" Ed exclaims, "You're bleeding!"

Edward kneels down beside the hunched-over Jonathan, but the other man pushes him away violently.

"No! Do not interfere with the experiment! You'll compromise my data!"

Edward gathers himself and glares daggers at him, "Experiment, Crane?"

Jon rests his head against the wall, "Attempting to draw myself back in to my body through pain."

Ed rolls his eyes, his frustration growing with the man. He can't quite form a coherent sentence through his annoyance and concern, "So, so... what? You dissociated and decided this was a good time to test things out? When would that experiment ever possibly end?"

"When I return to my self, Edward," he replies, far too calm.

Ed shakes his head and grabs a dish towel from the kitchen, pressing it to the thin slits along Jon's arm and fighting against his resistance.

"You're compromising the--"

"Shut up!" Ed snaps, "You're not yourself, you're not thinking straight. I need to get bandages from the lab."

Edward points his finger eccentrically at Jon, "If you move, I will kill you."

Jon blinks at Ed, his mind already wandering to something else as he tries to regain control. He was lightheaded, breathless, and when he looked down at his body, he couldn't feel his limbs. What had felt so real, had, in an instant, become dream-like and a world of foggy confusion. He watches in observant silence as Edward bandages his arm, unable to focus or bring himself to speak. What did it matter if he was dreaming anyway?

"You should be in bed," Ed says. His voice sounded so far away, so unreal.

"Is this real, Ed?" Jon asks as the other helps him stand.

Ed rests his hand on Jon's chest, splaying his fingers out over his heart, "Yes, Jon, it is."

He wasn't prone to such outbursts of affection, but times like these scared him; he wasn't sure just what was going on inside his boyfriend's head.

Ed helps Jonathan in to bed, pulling the blankets up over him because Jon found it difficult to use his hands when he was in a dissociative state. It was hard to use something that didn't feel like your own.

Ed gives him an evil eye, "You need to sleep. I'll clean up the mess in your lab."

He leaves without another word, his anger fading the further away he walks from the bedroom and Jonathan. Worry replaces the anger in his stomach, although he would never admit to it. Ed crinkles his nose up at the chemical smell when he enters the lab and decides its best to wear gloves just in case. He sweeps up the broken glass and thoroughly cleans any chemical spills from Jonathan's experiments. He takes deep breaths as he cleans up the few syringes that had remnants of fear toxin in them. Jonathan's scribbled notes on fear toxin, self experimentation, and curing dissociation lay on the work bench.

"Fuck you," Ed mutters as he reads over them, a sort of stone-y, numb feeling overcoming him.


	2. The Explanation

Edward sits on the edge of their bed, waiting for Jonathan to return to himself. He is frozen, staring down at the floor and fighting back the occasional angry tear as Jonathan switches between being too calm and being frantic as he wades through the after effects of the toxin.

"...Ed?" Jon asks, pushing himself up in to a sitting position with a grunt, "Ed, what's wrong?"

"You know very well what's wrong, Jonathan. That's a riddle you can solve."

Jonathan sighs, "I expected you to be away for longer. You shouldn't have come home so early."

Ed's spine straightens as his posture mimics his offence, "Don't put the blame on me. I'm not the one shooting up a dangerous chemical for fun."

"It has medicinal purposes, it--"

"Yes, it does, for you. Right now. In ten years time? In a year? How can you predict what affect this is going to have on you permanently? You can't."

Edward had finally managed to turn around to face the stunned Jonathan.

"I felt helpless today, Jon. You wouldn't understand what that's like. Sure, you can simulate it with your chemicals, but it's not the same."

Ed mentally curses at himself for being so honest, as the wave of emotions that follows makes his lungs ache as he tries to hold it all in.

"I do know... what it's like."

"What?" Ed's head snaps up to lock eyes with the other.

Jon clears his throat and continues, "I do know what it's like to feel helpless."

Ed shifts closer, far too curious for his own good and amazed that his boyfriend was opening up like this.

"My parents were addicts. My grandmother raised me. She was a strong Catholic. My mother was a Jew and father had converted for them to marry. She hated her for it; and she hated me in turn."

Ed reaches out and takes Jon's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"I'm sorry."

"She would lock me away and insist I pray, learn the bible by heart, and repent for rejecting Jesus. Of course, when the bullying at school started she said it was God punishing me. Then... then one day she caught me in my bedroom... with a friend... who was a boy."

Ed lets out a gentle gasp, squeezing his hand tighter.

Jon shakes his head, "Don't feel bad, I injected fear toxin in to her IV at the hospital and watched her scream and beg for God to take her until her little old heart gave out."

Ed lets out a boyish laugh and quickly covers his mouth in shame.

A smile plays on Jon's lips, "It was kind of an unexpected end to the story, I'll admit."

Ed looks at his watch, "I need to get back to work on my device for Freeze."

"Victor? Why?"

He runs his hands down his face, "They locked Selina up in Blackgate and I need somebody to bust her out."

"Surely, give her enough time and she'll do it herself," Jon frowns.

"They put her in the male prison, Jon, we don't have time. Every hour she's in there... you know how men are with women like her."

Jon goes silent, rubbing his index finger and thumb together.

Ed sighs and tosses a hand over his shoulder as he leaves, "You should shower, I'll be in the study if you need me or want to apologise for being a complete arse."

Jonathan doesn't realise he's smiling until after Ed leaves. He grunts as he stands and goes in to their bathroom which was small for the size of their apartment. He lets the hot water of the shower turn his pale skin pink and washes the grease from his hair. As the mirror fogs up from the steam, he can see the question marks that Edward had doodled on the glass. He dries himself thoroughly and dresses in cotton pajama pants and a long-sleeve shirt of Edward's. The sleeves are too short and ride up somewhat on his forearms, but not enough to show the needle marks on the inside of his elbow, so the shirt did its job.


End file.
